Ever heard of slow sex? If not, you’re about to. Today I’m going to deep dive into what slow sex is, why it matters, and why it could be the thing that single-handedly revitalizes your relationship, magnifies the sexual pleasure that both you and your partner feel, and reduces stress, fights, and your susceptibility to the (soon-to-be laughably unimportant) goings-on of daily life.
In an unfortunately realistic and common worst case scenario, couples have sex a few times per week with each session lasting anywhere from two to ten minutes. It isn’t uncommon for clients that come to me to say that they have maybe a half an hour per week of total time where they are sexually engaging with their partners.
If given the choice between thirty minutes a week of shallow, draining sexual activity, and five hours of energizing, deeply connected, emotionally invigorating sexual play, I believe that the vast majority of people (men and women) would choose the latter, every single time.
To put it in another context, would you rather eat fast food three times a week and feel drained, grumpy, and tired afterwards, or sample gourmet, three Michelin star chef prepared food for ten hours a week and feel miraculously recharged (like you could run a marathon) at the end of each extended meal? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Therefore, slow sex is where it’s at.
Slow Sex: Foreplay
Slow sex starts in foreplay, because foreplay sets the tone of how the overall sexual sessions is going to go. For many couples, their pre-sex rituals are the things that build the sexual tension and anticipation in the room.
It could be as overt as putting on your sex playlist, putting condoms on the bedside table, and hungrily looking into your partners eyes and saying “Get your sexy ass on the bed, now.” Or it could be as subtle as grabbing your partner’s bum while they brush their teeth (or whatever your covert sign is that signals that you’re feeling voracious).
– Many men that I work with tell of how the hardest thing about getting in the mood for sex is getting out of their heads. The thing that gets them out of their heads and into their bodies the most consistently/the easiest? Touch. Whether it’s an extended hug hello, an unexpectedly tender kiss on the lips, or simply having their bare torso connect with their partners at the end of a workday, nothing gets men more into their bodies than physical contact. Start there.
– Consider the energy behind the touch that you’re engaging in. Your partner might need you to start with tenderness, care, and softness… or they might respond the most strongly to you unexpectedly grabbing their crotch while they’re engaging in a decidedly non-sexual activity (i.e. doing the dishes, watching TV, reading, etc.).
– Are you in bed/somewhere where you’re starting to get frisky? Great. Start with touch. Run your fingers through his hair. Move your hands over his chest. Kiss his neck, shoulders, arms, and back. Wake up his flesh with your lips and fingers.
– Kiss him softly. Suck on his lower lip. Graze your lips across his torso. Press your body against his. Let your hair act as another hand… drag it over him slowly, let it fall where it wants to. There is no order to this. The feminine chaos is part of your sexual charm… embrace it.
– After touching, kissing, cuddling, teasing for a while, you will know when he is hard and wanting more. But remember, (if I am speaking to a female reader) just as your wetness doesn’t mean you are necessarily ready to be penetrated, his hard penis doesn’t necessarily means he wants to penetrate you… yet. And even if he does, this is slow sex. He’s allowed to wait a liiiiittle bit longer. You want to walk the line between building anticipation/sexual tension and creeping up on his genuine frustration. You want to handle his penis/take him into your mouth/etc. before he’s genuinely frustrated and starts to lose his erection, but the window of time you have is likely longer than you think it is. So let him squirm a little bit. Anticipatory pleasure is still pleasure nonetheless.
– When you decide to start interacting directly with his penis, find your way there slowly. Run your fingers along his torso. Tease his inner thighs. Kiss your way down his body. Slowly run your finger tip along the underside of his shaft. Gently palm his balls (I know, balls can be confusing… but just start gently and work your way up from there. You’ll be able to tell what kind of pressure he responds to best when you experiment a bit).
– If you want to take him into your mouth, take your time. Hover your face near the head of his penis. Lick your way up from the base of the shaft to the tip. When you first take him into your mouth, you can either surprise him by taking him in in one fell swoop, or you can take the teasing route by only taking part of his head past your lips and pausing there for a moment. Whether you start with small, teasing kisses, or you envelop him fully, you really can’t go wrong. Just take your time. If his penis is in or near your mouth he’s having fun, I promise.
Slow Sex: During Your Sexual Play
Foreplay is great, and taking it slowly definitely sets the stage for some luscious, nourishing, heart-exploding sexual play.
If I could, I would eradicate the word ‘foreplay’ from existence, because it doesn’t serve anyone to think of sex as either “all the stuff that isn’t penetration” and “penetration.” In truth, all sex is sex, and all foreplay is still sex. There’s no rule that says you can’t use your hands and mouth as standalone acts during/between rounds of penetrative sex. In fact, it’s encouraged. All of your parts, with all of their parts, all of the time. It’s much more fun that way.
Sex isn’t meant to be sterile, or neat, or organized, or linear. Sex is sex. It’s a free for all. It’s all over the place. Sex is about feeling and connecting and playing and enjoying. That’s what makes it so much fun. It’s the one place where you get to throw off the shackles (or put on the shackles, you kinky thing you) of daily life and be free.
So, to carry the slowness into your sexual exploration…
– Take your time when first penetrating/being penetrated. Savour the moment. Enter/allow yourself to be entered while feeling every inch of your partner’s flesh.
– Make eye contact. Or wear blind folds. Kiss a lot. Or bite instead. Try out some dirty talk. Describe what you’re doing to them, what they’re doing to you, and what you want to happen next. You have eyes, mouths, hands, and ears for a reason. Touch, feel, communicate, taste, and play. You have all night.
– Make them climax with your hands, with your mouth, and with your genitals. Maybe your partner loves building up to one really big orgasm and calling it a night (which can still be built up/slowed down with kissing, cuddling, and connection exercises) or maybe they want to cum so many times that you both lose count. It’s all fair game.
– Maybe you had candles burning, mood lighting, and music on during foreplay, but notice what happens when you kill the music and enjoy slow sex in relative silence. Have the only soundtrack for your session be your breathing and voices. It can be a lot easier to tune in to your partner’s state of sexual arousal when there are no auditory distractions in the room.
Slow Sex: After Play
Even if you’re both spent and feel like collapsing in a pile of oxytocin-flooded awesomeness, there are still things you can do to savour the moment as the afterglow carries you back down to a blissful reality.
Maybe you really benefit from close, press-as-tight-to-each-other-as-possible cuddling while you’re both still glistening with sweat. Maybe you’d prefer to hop in the shower so that you can lather each other up and wash off the sweat/sperm/lube/massage oil/coconut oil/etc.
Whatever you get up to as your sex sessions is winding down, take your time doing it. That’s the whole point of slow sex. Don’t race through it like you race through most of your life… slow down and savour every sensation. Every moan, every hair follicle, every tender kiss, every orgasm… remain present for it all. Watch your partner unfurl in ecstasy while you bond to each other even further. Mmmm life!
What Should You Do Now?
The first and most important thing you can do is send this article to your partner. Right now. I’ll wait…..
Once you and your partner have both read this and are on the same page, the next step is to put an extended slow sex session in your calendar.
Pick up whatever massage oils/toys/music/mood lighting you might need for your slow sex session and make it happen.
You have to put this information into action otherwise it’s just words on a page. I beg you… commit to doing this with your partner. Make a 3+ hour night of it if you wish.
You will feel more intimately, emotionally, and sexually connected to your partner than you have in months/years
Dare to awaken your body, and that of your partner, to new experiences of sensual love and pleasure. Have fun experimenting with the abundant know-how techniques offered in this book about a good massage.
The type of massage you will learn here offers more intimate, profound, and mindful contact than that proffered by mere sex. And, of course, it provides much more pleasure.
Discover, here, a new way of getting in touch with your body, a new way of erotic encounter with your beloved, a path full of sensuality, pleasure, and partnership.
couple’s massage, that wonderful way of giving and receiving, is our best means of caring for a relationship, to enrich it and strengthen its weak points, to make it more profound and more substantial each time
Couple’s massage can revive a stuck relationship and it can bring two people who are drifting apart to feel renewed love. It can bring back passion to a loving relationship that has become routine. This can happen for any couple, whatever their age, for there are no limits to the power of touch.