Ever heard of slow sex? If not, you’re about to.
Today I’m going to deep dive into what slow sex is, why it matters, and why it could be the thing that single-handedly revitalizes your relationship, magnifies the sexual pleasure that both you and your partner feel, and reduces stress, fights, and your susceptibility to the (soon-to-be laughably unimportant) goings-on of daily life.
Read more 5 Reasons To Suck On Her Clit
In an unfortunately realistic and common worst case scenario, couples have sex a few times per week with each session lasting anywhere from two to ten minutes. It isn’t uncommon for clients that come to me to say that they have maybe a half an hour per week of total time where they are sexually engaging with their partners.
If given the choice between thirty minutes a week of shallow, draining sexual activity, and five hours of energizing, deeply connected, emotionally invigorating sexual play, I believe that the vast majority of people (men and women) would choose the latter, every single time.
To put it in another context, would you rather eat fast food three times a week and feel drained, grumpy, and tired afterwards, or sample gourmet, three Michelin star chef prepared food for ten hours a week and feel miraculously recharged (like you could run a marathon) at the end of each extended meal? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Therefore, slow sex is where it’s at.
Slow Sex: Foreplay
Slow sex starts in foreplay, because foreplay sets the tone of how the overall sexual sessions is going to go. For many couples, their pre-sex rituals are the things that build the sexual tension and anticipation in the room.
It could be as overt as putting on your sex playlist, putting condoms on the bedside table, and hungrily looking into your partners eyes and saying “Get your sexy ass on the bed, now.” Or it could be as subtle as grabbing your partner’s bum while they brush their teeth (or whatever your covert sign is that signals that you’re feeling voracious).
To put this in overly simplistic terms, men’s sexual energy starts in the genitals and spreads outwards over time, and women’s sexual energy starts in the extremities and needs to be slowly brought towards the genitals.
So what does this mean in practical, actionable terms? Unless you have a somewhat unique partner who wants you to just jump right in (and she tells you so explicitly), it’s considered safe practice to start with kissing, cuddling, touching, necking, etc., and then working your way towards manual stimulation and oral sex.
– Spend time touching and cuddling. Envelop her with your arms. Lightly stroke her hair. Give her an extended sensual massage. Run your fingers along her back, spine, and thighs in slow, lingering, circular motions to wake up her senses. If it’s genuine, make small appreciative grunts/moans/sounds that show her how much you adore her delicious body.
– If your partner enjoys being kissed on the neck/shoulder area (check with her first… some people adore this and others find it too ticklish), then spend a few minutes lightly breathing on the nape of her back, behind her ear, and over the part of her shoulder where her bra strap would normally fall. Easy does it. Start very gently. Let your breath and lips do most of the work to begin with and simply graze their skin. Over time, use somewhat firmer touch, suck on her flesh lightly, and maybe incorporate some teeth if she’s into that. Again, calibration. Some women like no teeth at all, others like it when you leave marks. It all depends on the individual and her preferences.
– Spend ample time kissing her. Kiss her lovingly. Kiss her slowly. Kiss her face, neck, arms, ribs, stomach, legs, inner thighs… kiss her everywhere. Lovingly take her face in your hands and kiss her softly. Grab a fistful of her hair and kiss her lustily (again, calibration – preferences around pain as a turn-on is unique – some love it, some hate it).
– Spend enough time on the preparatory phase that when you eventually go to put your fingers between her legs, you’ll have no doubt that she’ll already be dripping wet by the time you touch her. If you’re unsure, double the time that you tease her/engage in your foreplay. Her body should start moving in a responsive manner with your hands. Her breathing will change. Believe me, especially if you’ve never spent 30+ minutes on foreplay in your life before, it will be massively apparent when she wants you to escalate to touching her between the legs.
– When you have figured out that, yes, she definitely wants you to start touching her down there, don’t just b-line it for her. Again, easy does it. Slow sex is supposed to be sloooowwwwww. Enjoy the slow pacing of the drawn out tease. Run your fingers over her stomach, over her hip bones, down her hips, on the inside and outside of her thighs. Take your time. Remember the whirlpool analogy. Slowly find your way there. Allow your fingers to take their time finding their way into her wetness. And even when they have, start with slow, long strokes. Her vulva is its own whirlpool… so take your time finding your way to her clitoris.
– When you decide/she decides that you/she would like to have your mouth on her, kiss your way down her body. Kiss a pathway down her neck, collar bone, breasts, nipples, rib cage, stomach, hips, legs, inner thighs, calves, the crease where her thigh meets her groin, where her pubic hair is/would be (if she shaves/waxes)… kiss her everywhere. Multiple times.
– Get into a comfortable position (for you and her) when you’re getting ready to go down on her. You want everything about how you prepare to sub-communicate to her “I am sitting down to my favourite meal in the world… I’ll be here for a while so don’t mind me. You just sit back and relax.” If you contort your body into an awkward position that will inevitably make you cramp up, not only will it hurt your neck/body, but it communicates from the get-go “I’m just doing this for a few seconds because I think it is expected of me, and I won’t be here long.” So get comfortable. Take your time. And hopefully you’ve been doing your tongue/jaw exercises in order to last for as long as you want while you’re down there.
– In the context of any kinds of foreplay/sexual play that you’re doing with your partner, consider the intent behind your contact. Play with this. Vary it. Experiment. How would you touch your lover if the intent behind your touch was to show and communicate tenderness? What about if it was lust? How about craving? How about love? How would your intent shift the dynamic of your touch… whether you are touching with hands, lips, tongue, or other?
Slow Sex: During Your Sexual Play
Foreplay is great, and taking it slowly definitely sets the stage for some luscious, nourishing, heart-exploding sexual play.
If I could, I would eradicate the word ‘foreplay’ from existence, because it doesn’t serve anyone to think of sex as either “all the stuff that isn’t penetration” and “penetration.” In truth, all sex is sex, and all foreplay is still sex. There’s no rule that says you can’t use your hands and mouth as standalone acts during/between rounds of penetrative sex. In fact, it’s encouraged. All of your parts, with all of their parts, all of the time. It’s much more fun that way.
Sex isn’t meant to be sterile, or neat, or organized, or linear. Sex is sex. It’s a free for all. It’s all over the place. Sex is about feeling and connecting and playing and enjoying. That’s what makes it so much fun. It’s the one place where you get to throw off the shackles (or put on the shackles, you kinky thing you) of daily life and be free.
So, to carry the slowness into your sexual exploration…
– Take your time when first penetrating/being penetrated. Savour the moment. Enter/allow yourself to be entered while feeling every inch of your partner’s flesh.
– Make eye contact. Or wear blind folds. Kiss a lot. Or bite instead. Try out some dirty talk. Describe what you’re doing to them, what they’re doing to you, and what you want to happen next. You have eyes, mouths, hands, and ears for a reason. Touch, feel, communicate, taste, and play. You have all night.
– Make them climax with your hands, with your mouth, and with your genitals. Maybe your partner loves building up to one really big orgasm and calling it a night (which can still be built up/slowed down with kissing, cuddling, and connection exercises) or maybe they want to cum so many times that you both lose count. It’s all fair game.
– Maybe you had candles burning, mood lighting, and music on during foreplay, but notice what happens when you kill the music and enjoy slow sex in relative silence. Have the only soundtrack for your session be your breathing and voices. It can be a lot easier to tune in to your partner’s state of sexual arousal when there are no auditory distractions in the room.
Slow Sex: After Play
Even if you’re both spent and feel like collapsing in a pile of oxytocin-flooded awesomeness, there are still things you can do to savour the moment as the afterglow carries you back down to a blissful reality.
Maybe you really benefit from close, press-as-tight-to-each-other-as-possible cuddling while you’re both still glistening with sweat. Maybe you’d prefer to hop in the shower so that you can lather each other up and wash off the sweat/sperm/lube/massage oil/coconut oil/etc.
Whatever you get up to as your sex sessions is winding down, take your time doing it. That’s the whole point of slow sex. Don’t race through it like you race through most of your life… slow down and savour every sensation. Every moan, every hair follicle, every tender kiss, every orgasm… remain present for it all. Watch your partner unfurl in ecstasy while you bond to each other even further. Mmmm life!
What Should You Do Now?
The first and most important thing you can do is send this article to your partner. Right now. I’ll wait…..
Once you and your partner have both read this and are on the same page, the next step is to put an extended slow sex session in your calendar.
Pick up whatever massage oils/toys/music/mood lighting you might need for your slow sex session and make it happen.
You have to put this information into action otherwise it’s just words on a page. I beg you… commit to doing this with your partner. Make a 3+ hour night of it if you wish.
You will feel more intimately, emotionally, and sexually connected to your partner than you have in months/years
Is female sexual arousal different from male sexual arousal? Do these differences matter? Why do women say no to sexual intimacy? What factors increase or decrease female sexual arousal?
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